Lately, I feel very far off. From everything and everyone. It’s a really weird feeling. Not sure what brought it about.

Last week I was sick…very sick…sicker than I’ve been in a loooong time. I guess it was just a virus but it had super weird symptoms, and just made me feel completely weak. I basically was walking around for 5 days with my head pounding continuously. Adding to that the fact that I still had to teach, and you basically have a walking zombie trying just to make it until the next day. Needless to say that by the time the cold (or whatever that was) was over, so was I. I was utterly demotivated, depressed and asking myself all those wonderful existential questions that really lift up our spirits always!

I also realised this “living until the next day” way of looking at things, is really characteristic of my whole life here and now. People ask me about making plans and I literally cannot look further than a week in advance. It’s impossible to imagine that far in advance. Which is super weird considering that I used to love planning! (and was quite good at is also).

My rationalisation is that this focus on the short term really reduces my view on what’s happening around me. That and my current lifestyle (which basically involves sticking just with my community at least 5 days out of 7, and having limited access to internet). As a consequence, it feels that a lot of the things that I was concerned with before, just don’t matter anymore. Cause they are just not related to me somehow.

The funny thing is that I knew I was aloof, but I had not realised how aloof I was until yesterday. When Bruxelles happened. See, when in autumn the Paris attacks happened I was terrified. Like I literally could not sleep thinking of the fact that my brother had lived there one month before, wondering if all my friends were safe and just trembling at the thought of a loved city (and one that I am so comfortable in) being destroyed. My reaction now however was very different. It’s obviously a horrible piece of news but I sometimes felt it as very far from me. Even though I have friends living there. Even though the same considerations would normally apply. I don’t know. I’m trying desperately to hope that this does not make me a horrible feeling. But I just feel very far off.