About three weeks ago I was announced that my center was closing. Our main sponsor was hit pretty bad by the financial crisis and decided to stop funding our project.

Lots of different feelings emerged. Disappointment, failure to honor promises, excitement, uncertainty, sadness, maybe even anger at times, confusion, relief. It was a weird time and it was followed by an even weirder stretch of weeks. The news had various effects on various people. My SOLS friends (for most of whom this also meant the end of their contract or at least a change in the way they do things) began a frenzy of plnning of trips and life after this. It reminded me a lot of the thoughts I had in the beginning of my time here… How life as a field worker in an NGO always feel so temporary and almost transitory towards something else (though most of us have no idea to what). It felt like this now more than ever.

Giving the news to my community was probably one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. It produced physical pain and complete emotional distress. It also made me want to give them 100% of me while I was still there. In time but more than just time…in attention and energy. This surprised me…I’ve always been a strong advocate of a clear professional-personal life separation (I still think that’s probably the healthiest lifestyle possible) and here I was letting my ” professional ” life take a definite toll on my personal life. See, once you spend energy on some people, you become incapable of giving the deserved amount of energy to anyone other. I felt that and I chose deliberately. I am still wondering whether I hurt someone in the process. But it was a conscious decision and I would probably do it again. Those people became in a weird way so much more than my students. They were my daily motivation and inspiration. My family oversees. Even now, travelling alone, i still feel I have like 10 uncles watching over me and giving me advice.

But most of all the news of the early departure produced lots of confusion in myself. Was I happy about it or not? Did I want to go home early or was it just the annoying extenal circumstances bringing about an undesired change of events? My internal compass gave me the answer to this pretty soon though…I was definitely sad that the center was closing. The community was really benefiting from the program, was enjoying it and really wanted it to continue (actually, the news also stirred them to start looking for sponsors of their own ..lovely initiative but unsuccessful by the time I left). But I was definitely ready to leave Malaysia.

I had considered leaving early before. But it was always accompanied by this annoying feeling that I wasn’t done yet. That I had not accomplished anything (not sure I can say what I’ve accomplished now though). That I had not learned enough or not everything I could. But now, it felt like …yes, it is time. I am ready. So even though the opportunity presented itself to continue on a different position with SOLS until August, the decision was easy to make. I was done.

It’s really funny how some decisions seem so clear cut. The step to leave was such. And the decision to travel alone was also such. I am still wondering why. I did have the doubt (that still sometimes torments me) of: “maybe I should just get home and enjoy my awesome family faster and longer”. But something said that if I don’t do this now, I never will and I will regret it. Part of me is wondering what I was thinking. Part of me is really looking forward to the 14th jue when Jan will join me. Part of me is excited and discovering thisd new me…me when traveling alone!

It might come as a surprise to many of you (and partly to my surprise also), anutza travelling alone has not been as open and talkative as she normally is. I did end up going for food with people from the hostel here but socialisation happened awkwardly. And I am not very invested in it. I was thinking about it today…about why that is. And I think it’s all about needs. In a way I regard people now as a “logistical need”. Since for my other purposes for the trip I don’t really feel I need anyone (the reflection,processing,relaxing etc). But that is not a good way to think about people. It does not bring out the best in you, it does not show genuine interest and it definitely does not create bonds. And I guess until that changes I will never truly find “my type of people”.